Slightly Retarded

I have issues with intimacy due to well, not sure exactly where it started but I m positive #2 ex husband sealed the deal. Now that I m recognizing just how messed up I am in this area I m trying to still be there for husband #3. But it s not going well. Hubby wants it to be special, wants me to be present, etc and in my mind it s not even for me never has been. Ever. EVER. I m willing to let him do it but I have to fade out in one way or another but he won t let me or he just won t do it... How Do I Word This
https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/slightly-retarded.64827/